Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
