On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
