You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this beer tastes like vomit already
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
