Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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