He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
