just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
