I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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