I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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