i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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