So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
