Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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