The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize