Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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