drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize