based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
