you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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