I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
