I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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