I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
