This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
