i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
