wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
