So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
