After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
