I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
