Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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