I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
