she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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