I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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