Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
