Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
this hospital has no fireball
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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