i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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