That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
