Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
