I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize