Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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