i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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