Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
