gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
