so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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