forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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