So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize