Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
