She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
