I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
