i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize