This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize