My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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