i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
