hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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