Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
