I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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