you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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