made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
