you traded sex for a burrito?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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