I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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