i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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