If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize