girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
