Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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