Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
