Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
