When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
