im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize