If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
