Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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